One week in…

I’m the type of person who will find a lesson in every situation. Some things suck, yes, but what would suck even more is if ~whatever~ existed only to hinder your growth forward from that event, person, situation… whatever. I think resolutions are stupid and that you can change your actions at any time for yourself, however, what I love about “New Years” is the chance to reflect, as if the year is a chapter in your book. These are my brief lessons of my chapters.

2016 (I know, not last year, the previous one) was the greatest year of self-discovery for me. I fully acknowledged my sexuality for myself and learned so many other things that helped me narrow down who I am. Not that it comes down to the romantic ones, but when I look back on my life I know my relationships to those important to me will be the things I remember most. 2016 was my year of relationship building; one in which I know I cemented lifelong friendships and learned what love means to me.

So I was a 2017 hopeful, but never expected it to rock me in the way it did. Days after THE year of growth I was crushed in a breakup. I acted immaturely, refusing to let go of something far gone, and also in a way that would fill the growing void in my heart. What saved me from random hookups and acting out of character is where my feet are grounded. My friends kept me hopeful and I saw that I never would have recovered if I succumbed to immediate gratification. A few months later I was healthy and living out memories I’ll never forget with people I hope to never lose, but that couldn’t have lasted forever.

A wrench is a tool used to turn bolts and pipes and do all kinds of carpenter-y things. When a wrench was tossed into my 2017, it led to the rekindled love I’d lost and my most serious relationship to date. This wrench took the form of a woman who challenged my skepticisms and increased my ability to trust, forgive, and accept. She allowed me to grow a lot and become comfortable being myself almost everywhere. She is someone I have an immense amount of respect and love for, however, tools are designed to build or fix for a specific purpose. I learned I am not a bolt, or pipe, or any carpenter-y thing a wrench is used for.

After trying for so long we weren’t healthy for each other. It was mutual. I think my brain is wired to stubbornly hold on and I had to let go. This was my best friend. It hurt. And it was the greatest lesson I learned in 2017 because still, I am happy and I am SO hopeful.

There’s more out there. I’ve filled my time with good friends, got a new job, and put myself in a space where I know I’ll be happy to try new things, meet new people, and continue to live a serendipitous life. 2018 is the year of new.

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